Don’t mess with me or I’ll make the bottom half of your leg disappear.
When Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez’s “Grindhouse” hit movie theaters in 2007, I walked out of that theater knowing one day I would figure out how to dress like Cherry Darling for Halloween, machine gun leg and all. Clearly the issue with this costume is not so much in the fabrication of a machine gun as it is in the the faked disappearance of a limb from the knee down. How the hell do you vanish a leg from knee to toe?
Easy! Just follow these simple steps:
1. For five years, think about how much you want to dress up as Cherry Darling with the machine gun leg, each year deciding it’s absolutely impossible.
2. On the fifth year, tell a bunch of friends who really believe in your craftiness about your machine gun leg idea. Make sure to assert the level of awesomocity and impossibility so they will get super pumped up about it, refusing to let you off the hook. These folks must be able to regularly remind you that no costume will ever be as cool as a half naked, machine-gun-legged zombie killer; especially when you call two weeks before Halloween, begging them to just let you drop the leg thing and dress like Katy Perry.
3. Sit and stare into space for hours, trying to figure out how you’re going to make your massive right calf disappear, before you do what you clearly should have done in the first place. Consult the internet.
4. Google “Cherry Darling Machine Gun Leg,” and see that — WHOA. Someone has done this before. And ohmigod it looks amazing! But how did she do it?
(Limited Edition Classic Monster Vintage Style Garter Belt)
I’m not saying Halloween gets people laid but…okay that’s a lie. Halloween definitely gets a lot of people laid. All the festivities and fantasy, and slutty incarnations of everything, and men parading as superheroes or firefighters, or mock drag queens, which for some reason seems to turn the ladies of NYC on like firehoses…The fairy dust is most certainly in the air. But will you prepared when Mario and/or Luigi rips off your medieval maiden bodice? When Tobias Funke flings away your flapper boa and fringe dress, will you be prepared with the appropropriately festive underthings? How will you prove your true commitment to the spirit of Halloween if not wearing your commemorative Halloween derby shorts or pumpkin pantaloons?
(Halloween Jack O’Lantern Derby Shorts by Knickerockeroller)
This is why I have compiled for you, horny Halloween folk, the EtsyBrook Naughty Scary Things Treasury. Use it well. And as my friend Aaron once advised, be careful out there this weekend. A fairy princess/prince today isn’t necessarily and fairy princess/princess tomorrow. Just go with the flow, have fun, and don’t be surprised if when you come out of your pumpkin liquored haze you found you’ve ended up with a kind of a toad.
Yup, those are cherry nipples. (Katy Perry Cupcake Bra Costume by Fake Cupcake Creations)
I can’t tell you how close I came to dressing as Katy Perry for Halloween this year. I know. I can hear the boos resound from here.
It’s true, I am probably one of five people over the age of fourteen who don’t want to stuff a fiiiiiirewoooork up KP’s you-know-what and send her shooting across the sky-ay-ayyyy. But for some reason she does not grate on my nerves in the way she seems to on everyone else’s. In fact, I kind of really like her. She is an ooey gooey sugary pop star who wears uber-cute kawaii-style outfits and accessories. That is a recipe for StaceyLike. And I’m sorry folks, but her songs are catchy. I have never had a problem with entertainers who are a product of a pop machine comprised of savvy songwriters, producers, stylists and publicists (see: Britney), as long as the end product strikes a chord and people recognize the stars for what the really are: shiny vehicles for showcasing other people’s talents. Katy Perry is a presence. Britney is a performer. And “their” pop songs have kept my abs strong at the gym for the past two years. That is all I am really asking for from the ladies.
That said. Katy’s wardrobe. I want. Especially the crazy creations she wears in her videos and on the red carpet. This particular look from the California Girls video is one of the few I am okay with leaving behind, but there are quite a few handmade versions of this cherry-topped bra floating around the Etsy (see above) should you get the urge to ice your cupcakes on Halloween this year:
If you hadn’t noticed, dear readers, I don’t care if you don’t like Halloween — you’re getting in the spirit with EtsyBrook this year. If you’re the kind of guy/gal who hasn’t put in at least 40+ hours worth of brainstorming and construction into this year’s costume, clearly we cannot be friends. But that doesn’t mean I won’t still help you lazybones party poopers bring at least a little festive energy to the Halloween fetes you are bound to attend this weekend. Don’t be the only guy/girl in the room who still has to pretend getting dressed up isn’t fun. Even if you’re not feeling energized enough to put together the full regalia, you can easily masquerade as the 11th Doctor, and you don’t even have to give up your standard issue hoodie:
(Doctor Who Hoodie by Geekcetera)
Or how about getting swallowed by a super soft Beetlejuice Sandworm Dress?
(Beetlejuice Sandworm Hoodie Dress by smarmyclothes)
This could be an interesting look for a fella with a beer belly:
I’ve even figured out how to pull of the slutty/lazy skeleton:
(Ribcage Asymmetric Tank by LipglossandBlack)
The point is: dressing up for Halloween doesn’t have to entail four days worth of hand-hammering a C-3PO costume. (Though if you have made one of these, you win the EtsyBrook award for Awesomeocity.) Participation in the world’s greatest holiday actually doesn’t require much effort at all. You barely even have to get out of your pajamas.
(Carmen Miranda Fruit Bowl Dog Hat by sweethoots)
Halloween is the only time of year where I give the official sanction to my mother to clothe our family dog in any way. In my opinion, Shayna Maidel Brook, cutest maltypoo in the greater Long Island area, does not need a denim jacket, or a raincoat or a black sequined prom dress, not that that stops Mama EtsyBrook from squeezing such torture devices over my poor dog’s furry little head. What Shayna does need, however, is as many Halloween costumes as her ridiculous little doggy closet can accommodate. Over the years my little pooch has donned many an adorable disguise, pawing her way through the streets as a Skeledog, a Pumpkin Dog and my eternal favorite, DogPig. This year, she will be taking a cue from her big sister, and wearing a costume a day up through All Hollow’s Eve, and I kind of wish I had thought in advance to pepper her collection with some new items like a festive Carmen Miranda bonnet. Or this ferociously cute LionDog ensemble:
(Lion Dog Costume by KO Couture)
Or these magical Doggie Potter accessories:
(Harry Potter Dog Costume by Jalina Colon)
Luckily, there is always room for more Halloween wizardry next year.
What’s that? Your dog is as of yet unprepared with a Halloween costume? You evil, heartless hater of all things fun and good in this world. Quick, pick one up from our DogOWeen Treasury, now!:
(Custom Pumpkin Hat and Diaper Cover by 1kybele)
My good friends Kent and Nina welcomed their first baby into the world this weekend — a sweet little lady named Keira Elisabeth. When Kent called to tell me, I shrieked into the phone, I was so excited. (Sorry Kent.) These lovely folks are the first of my very close friends to have a child, and you better believe I have been warming up a special Etsy favorites section just for the occasion. I was all the more excited that Keira was born in the middle of my EtsyWeen frenzy. Must it even be articulated that if you are my friend, and you have a baby on October 16, that baby will be the recipient of the cutest newborn Halloween costume on the planet?
The only problem I’ve been having is - there are seriously too many baby costumes available on Etsy. And I’m putting a lot of pressure on myself. I feel like I’m dressing this kid for a debutante ball. How will this baby first present her Halloween self to the world?
As a superhero baby?
(Superhero Baby by Mahalo)
A sushi baby?
(Sushi Baby Onesie by The Wishing Elephant)
A slightly salacious mermaid baby?
(Baby Mermaid Costume by Ashley Belinda)
No matter how mom and dad dress her up on Halloween night, there’s no doubt little Keira Elisabeth will blow those other two week-olds and out of the water with her cuteness. I’ll post the mini disguise I eventually chose once I give it to my favorite new parents, but for now check out the full range of the costumes that competed fiercely for the title of “Baby’s First” in the Baby’s First Halloween Treasury below. Brace yourself — there is some epic, explosive cuteness down there.